“A person is
a person no matter how small.” Dr. Seuss
This is a
blog I have “written” so many times in my head, trying to process and figure
out how to gracefully be vulnerable with such a difficult topic. I don’t blog
often and I wouldn’t say that I am gifted at it (spelling and grammar are not
my strong suits), but I just felt the need to share our story. October is miscarriage and infant loss
awareness month, and it’s such a hard topic to even begin to express the depth
of the loss that goes along with it.
Miscarriage is very much an invisible battle that statistically 1 in 4 women
are fighting all around us.
My heart has
always hurt for those who’s babies have left us too soon, whether it be
miscarriage or infant loss. It was something that I could not even imagine
walking through and knew I couldn’t understand the depth of the grief. Until
last November, all that changed when our hearts were ripped in half when we
walked our own journey of a miscarriage.
We found out
in September 2014 we were expecting our
second baby and we were so excited. I was over the moon excited, but it took a
few weeks for it to seem real. At 6
weeks things did not go as planned and we lost our little one. The grief that came flooding in was like
nothing I had ever experienced, and started us into a season of many storms
that tested our faith and trust in our Savior.
All the crushed dreams, plans of the future and things you hoped you
would experience with the little one that was once being “knit together” in
your womb. Suddenly everything is turned
upside down and you are left wondering how you can recover from such a loss.
I understand
why it is something people don’t want to talk about, it’s a difficult subject
for both the person experiencing the loss and the one they are confiding in.
There are no words, it just takes time of giving oneself grace as you try and
figure out how to put one foot in front of another every day. When we were faced with this battle I
remember feeling like I was walking around with my heart ripped out of my
chest, feeling so vulnerable but no one had any idea. We only told a handful of people within the
first few months. It’s one of those things you want no one knowing but everyone
knowing at the same time. It’s so hard to put on a brave face and be “you” when
you suddenly feel like you don’t even know who you are any more. It can be a very lonely time for many women.
We know our little one is in Heaven, up with family
who has gone before him or her. And honestly that does bring us comfort. But it
doesn’t eliminate the “whys” completely. We will never know why we couldn’t
have had this baby in our arms and spent years watching him/her grow. Like so many things in life there is no
reason why, our minds and hearts aren’t built to understand the seemingly
complex ways of the Lord.
This was a time
of continuously surrendering my fear, which is has always been my biggest hindrance.
This last year has been one of the hardest ones we have faced, with having to
face my fear head on. It was a battle we
have faced so many times this last year (with the miscarriage, Emilyn’s
seizures and my dad’s cancer diagnosis).
I have had to rely on my Savior to carry me through. I have had to choose to be brave.
Expecting
another baby after the loss is a whole new ballgame for us. This pregnancy has
had its own risks and complications, but we continually trust our Savior
through it. It took quite a while for us to be blessed with expecting our third
baby, which seems weird to say but yes this is our third child. There are unexpected moments of grief or
little reminders; like with our ultra sound for this baby the technician
confirmed how many pregnancies we have had, and it was hard to say 3 and not
just two.
I wanted to
share our story because as I said I think it’s important to be real and
vulnerable. This is part of our story and something God has used to draw us
closer to him. This month I have been
praying for all the other families who had a little one leave them too soon,
whether we know them by name or not. You
are not alone. I think it’s so important for women to realize they are not a
alone. Women have walked this road and can come along side you to try and help
you navigate these tricky waters. No two women’s experience with this are the
same, but there is something to be said about knowing you aren’t alone.
