We Never Got To Hold You

“A person is a person no matter how small.”  Dr. Seuss

    

This is a blog I have “written” so many times in my head, trying to process and figure out how to gracefully be vulnerable with such a difficult topic. I don’t blog often and I wouldn’t say that I am gifted at it (spelling and grammar are not my strong suits), but I just felt the need to share our story.  October is miscarriage and infant loss awareness month, and it’s such a hard topic to even begin to express the depth of the loss that goes along with it.  Miscarriage is very much an invisible battle that statistically 1 in 4 women are fighting all around us.  

My heart has always hurt for those who’s babies have left us too soon, whether it be miscarriage or infant loss. It was something that I could not even imagine walking through and knew I couldn’t understand the depth of the grief. Until last November, all that changed when our hearts were ripped in half when we walked our own journey of a miscarriage. 

We found out in September 2014  we were expecting our second baby and we were so excited. I was over the moon excited, but it took a few weeks for it to seem real.  At 6 weeks things did not go as planned and we lost our little one.  The grief that came flooding in was like nothing I had ever experienced, and started us into a season of many storms that tested our faith and trust in our Savior.  All the crushed dreams, plans of the future and things you hoped you would experience with the little one that was once being “knit together” in your womb.  Suddenly everything is turned upside down and you are left wondering how you can recover from such a loss.

I understand why it is something people don’t want to talk about, it’s a difficult subject for both the person experiencing the loss and the one they are confiding in. There are no words, it just takes time of giving oneself grace as you try and figure out how to put one foot in front of another every day.  When we were faced with this battle I remember feeling like I was walking around with my heart ripped out of my chest, feeling so vulnerable but no one had any idea.  We only told a handful of people within the first few months. It’s one of those things you want no one knowing but everyone knowing at the same time. It’s so hard to put on a brave face and be “you” when you suddenly feel like you don’t even know who you are any more.  It can be a very lonely time for many women.

We know our little one is in Heaven, up with family who has gone before him or her. And honestly that does bring us comfort. But it doesn’t eliminate the “whys” completely. We will never know why we couldn’t have had this baby in our arms and spent years watching him/her grow.  Like so many things in life there is no reason why, our minds and hearts aren’t built to understand the seemingly complex ways of the Lord.

This was a time of continuously surrendering my fear, which is has always been my biggest hindrance. This last year has been one of the hardest ones we have faced, with having to face my fear head on.  It was a battle we have faced so many times this last year (with the miscarriage, Emilyn’s seizures and my dad’s cancer diagnosis).  I have had to rely on my Savior to carry me through.  I have had to choose to be brave.

Expecting another baby after the loss is a whole new ballgame for us. This pregnancy has had its own risks and complications, but we continually trust our Savior through it. It took quite a while for us to be blessed with expecting our third baby, which seems weird to say but yes this is our third child.  There are unexpected moments of grief or little reminders; like with our ultra sound for this baby the technician confirmed how many pregnancies we have had, and it was hard to say 3 and not just two.

I wanted to share our story because as I said I think it’s important to be real and vulnerable. This is part of our story and something God has used to draw us closer to him.  This month I have been praying for all the other families who had a little one leave them too soon, whether we know them by name or not.  You are not alone. I think it’s so important for women to realize they are not a alone. Women have walked this road and can come along side you to try and help you navigate these tricky waters. No two women’s experience with this are the same, but there is something to be said about knowing you aren’t alone.

The Lord longs to walk with us during our deepest disappointments and hurts. He is always there; we only have to call on him. Though we walked through this difficult journey and still do not understand it, there is one thing I know without a doubt: our God is faithful. He is faithful and He wants to show you His faithfulness, bringing beauty out of the ashes.

The worst day of my life...scattered with blessings.

You never actually want to live out an episode of "Grey's Anatomy", but on Christmas morning it felt like I was living my very own terrifying episode. We went to bed Christmas Eve excited for the morning, and for our flights out to see family later that day. None of those things happened.  What happened instead was waking up to our precious almost 19 month old daughter having a seizure early Christmas morning. Every parents' worst nightmare.

A few people have been asking what happened, how are we doing, and how Emilyn is doing since last week, and we have been trying to keep people up to date via facebook. It's been hard to keep up with everyone or remembering to post an update, so I thought I would blog about it for anyone who wanted to know more. So, here's some more information of what happened and what we know at this point.

Emilyn is doing so much better. She is still recovering from her mild ear infection and croup (what they think must have caused the seizures) but each day she is doing better. As those of you who know our sweet girl, know she is FULL of life, and a very loving life kind of girl. She loves to sing and dance and be silly and just has an overflowing love (or hate ha ha she's an all or nothing girl, she wears her emotions on her sleeve!) for life. Seeing her lay in the hospital bed for 6 hours sedated and recovering from the seizures were the hardest moments of our lives. When she was finally coming out of the drugs and sat up and belted out "let it go!" as she swayed back and forth, we thought our hearts would burst. A glimmer of hope.

Since that awful morning we have both been filled with so much uncertainty and worry over the unknown. Emilyn had what they call "complex febrile seizures", which means more than 2 in a 24 hour period or lasting more than 10 mins each. Initially we were told she had three separate seizures, all over 10 mins long and about an hour apart each. The first was at home and she was still seizing when the EMT's arrived (we don't know for sure how long that one was). We just talked to the doctor who treated Emilyn at the hospital and he informed us that they do not know if she had three separate seizures or one really long seizure (approx 3 hours).  They had her on medication and whenever it would start to fade she would either seize again or it would still be happening. They said there was seizure activity for much of the first few hours. They gave her a different medication to stop the seizures for good, had that not worked or if she had another one we would have been whisked down to Seattle Children's Hospital.

The worst part with febrile seizures we have discovered, is there is often no warning (as in Emilyn's case). Emilyn went to bed on Christmas Eve her normal self, she had a few meltdowns earlier that day but that's a typical day. That is part of what makes it so stressful and the fear to set in as you wait for the next one to happen. She may never have another one, or she may have several and hopefully outgrown them by the time she is 5. This is what keeps me up at night, as the fear creeps in with the darkness. Will she have another...will I hear it...will she be okay? All these questions float through my head, and the scary thought that I have no way of knowing. It is not for me to know.

We placed our fears and trust down at our Savior's feet, without the strengthen of our faith I don't know how we would have made it through those first few hours. We clung to His hope and promises as we watched them do countless tests trying to figure out what was wrong with our baby girl. And every day and night we do the same as we pray we don't have to relive that first day again.

Looking back at how our day unfolded I can see how God carefully took care of "simple" details that put us in the best possible situation for what we were facing.  Emilyn normally sleeps in her own room at night, but thanks to getting 8 teeth back to back this fall she hasn't been sleeping well (she was never a good sleeper), and would normally end up in our bed in the early morning (we honestly don't mind having her there). So when she had her seizure she was sleeping in my arms and I noticed it and we were able to call 911. Also, since Chad has work responsibilities Christmas Eve we always fly Christmas day to spend the holidays with one of our families. And, we always fly out on one of the flights that leave before the sun comes up, except this year. For some reason all the morning flights were significantly more expensive or were sold out, I was frustrated with this when we booked the tickets, but looking back I am grateful. We were both thankful we were both home and not on our way to the airport, in an airport or in the air when Emilyn's seizure happened.  

Our Christmas has not been what we planned, it kind of went by without us even knowing.  We were supposed to be spending a week a half with my family in the freezing north. ;) Laughing, giggling and watching the three girl cousins run around in their matching Christmas pjs. Spending lots of time cuddling and making new memories to cherish and look back on through the year when we are so many miles apart. Our visits are so few and so special that its been really hard to think about the memories we are missing out on. As hard as this is I can't help but find myself so thankful that God was in the details and he had a plan with how our Christmas went. Although I may never understand why this was the plan over the much more appealing original plan, I trust that He knows what He is doing.

Emilyn has her neurologist appoinment January 12, and we are anxiously awaiting what answers that may hold. Until then we are enjoying the giggles and cuddles of our sweet girl. We are so thankful that Emilyn, in between coughing fits is back to putting on constant dance recitals and concerts. We are back in the land of belting out the only 3 lines of "let it go" that she knows and gibberish songs. 

Thank you dear family and friends for you love, support and prayers. We take comfort knowing our girl is being prayed for from every corner of North America. We love you all! 

First Time Preggo Momma!

           I sit here at almost 34 weeks pregnant asking myself "where have the weeks gone?" I had anticipated time to be moving very slowly at this stage of the pregnancy, but since week 20 life seems to be moving full speed a head!    This will be our first baby, and we are over the moon with excitement!  We decided not to find out the gender of the baby, to help add to the anticipation! Thankfully both my husband and I did not want to find out what we were having, I can't imagine if one of us wanted to know prior.  I certainly would be terrible at keeping that secret! We are both looking forward to the moment when the baby is born and hearing the doctor say "it's a baby.....".  I can hardly wait to hear those words!
         Pregnancy is quite the phenomenal thing, that clearly displays God and all of his creativity and intention for our lives.  Experiencing it first hand has blown me away, I am fascinated to learn of the baby's progress each week! I always thought I'd have an easy pregnancy. One filled with luscious hair, the continuous "glow" and lots of energy.  I planned to work out throughout my pregnancy to stay active, and because I had heard it helps with labor. Unfortunately, this was not the case for my pregnancy. Getting out of bed and getting dressed for the day, going to work or running errands became huge accomplishments.  It's funny how quickly life changes!
          Although the physical ups and downs of pregnancy were more than I was expecting, I wouldn't trade it!  We found out we were pregnant at 3 weeks, something just felt off and we thought..."well maybe?", and we were! We were so excited and slightly shocked, we had just started trying and expected it to take a little while to become pregnant.  Right from the start I felt exhausted, sick and food quickly became the enemy.  I could not even go in the kitchen because the sights and smells of the food would bring on a slew of gagging.  So un-ladylike! My husband would struggle not to laugh when my batch of gagging would start, sometimes for no apparent reason.  I learned to always have mints or hard candy on hand so when I felt the gagging coming on I would quickly put one in my mouth.  My choices of food that my body decided were acceptable dwindled down to: toast with butter or peanut butter, most fruit, apple sauce, and apple juice.  It's amazing what growing another human being does to your body!
          I am so thankful that I was never sick to my stomach, and that it was only that most food was repulsive. I spent most days (when not working) on the couch fighting nausea , just getting dressed for the day was a huge accomplishment.  The second trimester that people promise will be the one where you bounce back and feel like yourself again, never really happened. Thankfully I was able to eat mostly like a normal person again, but energy was still avoiding me.  The third trimester has come along with intermittent spurts of energy and a ever growing belly! I am still exhausted most days, but almost feel like I have had more energy than the second trimester.
       While being pregnant and working at a place that involves children, parents, and especially mothers has been really fun! I am learning that pregnancy certainly bonds you together and is a great conversation starter. From advice, funny stories, product recommendations and guessing to what they think I am having; have made my work days more entertaining.  It seems everyone has a different method to "predict" the gender of a baby (carrying high, low, big, front only, egg shaped, basketball shaped, leg hair growth...). So here are the predictions people think I am having a boy because it's basketball shaped, or maybe it's a girl because a lady said since I am all front and belly.  So it's settled it's a boy...or girl! Time will tell! :)
        The comments from children have been the most entertaining. From enduring to hilarious comments from the honest mouths of babes has made my love for children grow even more.  Some of my favorite quotes are:
-"why is your belly so fat?"
-"what's in there?" (pointing to my belly)
-"you're having a baby!" as the little boy quickly runs by me and pats my ever-growing belling
-"is there a baby in your belly?" "yes there is!" "awwwwwe cute" (said by a 3 year old little girl).
         These are the little things in life that make an exhausting pregnancy so entertaining and a privilege to be apart of. My time being pregnant with this little (or not so little) one is coming to a close and part of me is getting a little emotional about it.  Being pregnant is such an amazing experience, feeling life grow inside you! This baby is still very active, despite running out of room! The kicks, punches and movements are becoming slightly painful, but they still make my heart swell.  Pretty soon life will always be measured as "after baby". We are trying to savor our last few weeks of just the two of us. Our freedom and alone time is about to be interrupted by this tiny being, but we are ready for it!
          The miracle and gift of life has not been lost on us, and we feel honored to be this baby's parents! Here is a picture of our growing family! I'm 32.5 weeks, and yes I know my bump is huge! But I am totally okay with it (as is my doctor), and no its not twins (regardless of what my mother in law tells you ;) ).  

Where did summer go?

    Summer is winding down and I find myself trying to get my last minute moments of warmer weather in! This summer seemed to pass by especially fast.  Summer is my favorite time of year! I love everything about it: the sun, freckles that re-appear, warm summer nights, shorts, flips flops, the beach...just everything.  

The Hoffman kiddos! And yes I am the only brunette.

    Looking back at summer I realized we did pack a lot of exciting moments into a few short months. This July we packed up and went to Michigan to celebrate Chad's brother Chase getting married.  We were so excited to welcome Lindsey into our family; she is the perfect addition to the Hoffman clan! It was such a beautiful wedding and everything about it was perfect. Also one of the most fun wedding parties; zipping around on golf carts was certainly a highlight.

Sunset at Laguna Beach

    Chad and I have been trying to find some time to get away and relax after a very busy and stressful couple of years.  We wanted to celebrate my paperwork FINALLY going through and having that craziness over with.  We packed up the car and took a last minute trip down the coast to California! Chad had never been before, so we were able to check off more states on our "states we've been to" list (we have both visited over 1/2 of the 50 states).  We had so much fun and welcomed the HOT summer weather that we had both been missing.  We squeezed in a lot of fun into our 8 day trip (including driving days). We went to Disney, In-n-out, Hollywood, Laguna Beach, Huntington Beach...and more. We were able to attend the Jimmy Kimmel show (which was really fun to see how it all comes together), and watch some of the red carpet for the "Expendables 2" (Chuck Norris, Sylvester Stallone...and a few others!). California has this way of being super awesome and makes you want to say forever.
     As this summer comes to and end I am thankful for all the fun memories it brought. I am looking forward to fall and all the cozy moments it is bound to bring.  Whenever I think of fall I think of a few of my favorite things it has to offer: boots, apple picking, reading with a hot cup of tea, and changing leaves. So savor the last bit of summer as fall is quickly approaching!! 

Why is North America so big?!

As big and beautiful as North America is, sometimes I think its WAY too big! Today is one of those days.  For the last week and a half we have had the pleasure of hosting my side of the family (excluding my younger brother) for a visit!  It was so wonderful!  We squeezed into our two bedroom apartment for a few nights (all 6 adults and two kiddos!) and then headed to Seattle for a few nights! Our visit was filled with lots of giggles, flamingos (plush and real),princess waves, shopping, cupcakes, tea parties, zoos, squirrel, ducks, splashing and racing in the pool, and so many more.  It is a visit that I will treasure forever.  I love my family!

Living so far apart is not my idea of fun.  If I could think of a way to pick up the two provinces and one state that we all live in and make them right next door to each other I would do that in a second!!! Hopefully someday we will live closer together so we can see each other more than just once or twice a year. 

Chad and I live apart from both sides of our families.  It was not our plan or something we sought out to do.  We have just been following God's plan and call for our lives, and that plan right now is to live on the west coast. Hopefully someday we will live close to at least one side of our family, or maybe somewhere in the middle of both!

As I sit here on my couch missing my family and a bit lonely, I am choosing to be thankful for my family's visit! I am blessed with a wonderful family x2! I am so thankful for each of them! AND in a month the Hoffman side of my family is welcoming a new member, I am so excited for Chase and Lindsey's up coming wedding and to have another sister-in-law!   This summer is full of family and fun!!

enjoying the space needle!

Coast to Coast

      My husband and I have recently taken a journey, a very long one! As I mentioned, we had answered God's calling and were moving to the other side of North America.  My husband took a job in the beautiful state of Washington, which prior to our move we had spent one weekend checking things out.
     We decided the best way to move out there would be to drive our belongs out with us. This was a two part adventure because we were on the east coast of Canada (NB) and the rest of our belongings were in Michigan.  So we set out from New Brunswick to Maine with my parents driving along (with some of our belongings that did not fit in our civic, so we could mail them to Michigan). It was an emotional day saying goodbye to my parents as we left them somewhere near Portland, ME after spending the summer with them. We set off for Michigan; just the two of us, taking in all the sights and wonders of the east coast! We stopped in New York for New York style pizza, walked around Scranton, PA to see where one of our favorite shows is set. We squeezed in as much as we possibly could as we drove the long 24ish hour drive from New Brunswick to "Pure Michigan".
     After what seemed like never ending roads we arrived and thankfully had some down time with my husbands family. It was wonderful to spend some time with family again before we moved very far away.  Moving to the west coast was never the plan! We had moved  from Saskatchewan (Canada) to be closer to our families, but things did not go as we planned or had hoped.  Some how we had found ourselves on a job hunt that lead us to Washington state.
     We left Michigan after we packed up all of our belongings that were in storage, into our big yellow moving truck and hit the road! Our first night proved to be a little more excitement than we had hoped! We were driving a very large truck and pulling our civic behind it; we had been told that we could not back up or make tight jack-knife turns. We stayed our first night somewhere on the other side of Chicago (we decided to leave later at night to avoid the traffic in Chicago) and our motel for the night was on the otherside of a divided road. We needed to turn but it was a wide jack-knife type turn, it was pretty wide so we thought we could make it. BIG mistake, we didn't make it!! After a few "what do we do?" "I don't know!" "We can't back up!" "What do we do?", freakout moments we did the only thing we could do: unhook the car in the middle of the road and drive it off the ramp and then back the truck up.  Thankfully God was watching out for us (it was very late at night so there was not much traffic), He sent someone who offered to park his vehicle in front of ours with the flashers on so no one would hit our car. We unhooked our civic in record timing and I drove it into a near by parkinglot as we moved the truck, seriously we moved both vehicles faster than the speed of light. We then decided to keep the car unhooked until we got to the motel (a smart choice since the motel parkinglot was small). We collapsed into bed vowing never to try that again! Our first day of our second part of our road trip was a little more eventful than we had planned!
      Our journey continued but there are more stories so I will save them for another day! We were on an adventure that was for sure! As with most things in our lives, our trip out west did not always go as we planned, but we knew God had a plan!

Leap of Faith!!

Dictionary.com defines the word leap as "to spring through the air from one point or position to another". Dictionary.com defines the word faith as "belief that is not based on proof".
So putting those to together means that you are springing up and over to another place without knowing for sure what is there waiting for you.  That is what my husband and I are doing in these next couple of weeks. God has called and we have answered! We are not really sure what is in store for us but we are taking that leap of faith, trusting that He will be there to catch us!
     I have always loved the game "leap frog", I loved playing it as a child! So much fun! I have even played it underwater with my campers at camp during a water carnival! That sure was interesting! Sometimes though, leaping into the unknown can be scary! Especially when it means moving away from all your friends, family and all you hold dear to the other side of North America to answer a call! It would not be a leap of faith if there wasn't that element of trust, knowing that everything is going to be ok the other side when your feet hit the ground again! Some would say that is the best part; the thrill of the unknown! Me, I'm a planner, not always...but when it comes to my life I like to have everything mapped out (or at least somewhat). This past year God certainly threw a curve ball in, and I am sure he giggled a few times watching me scrabble as I missed the catch! Though during times of "unknown" and the curve balls is when I find myself growing the most in my faith...so in the end I am thankful for them.
    I am a planner, most of the time but other times I too like to take part in a great adventure and experience the thrill of free falling! And right now I am feeling like a good adventure, and it's a good thing because I think one is right around the corner! Buckle up, it's going to be a good one!